#Jocasta News
Wake up and smell the fires, everyone! Get up and get moving! Awakened toys have invaded Acme! I repeat: TOYS! HAVE INVADED! ACME!
Listen, I know this sounds like a joke, but this is NOT an April Fool's prank. Listen to your girl. Have I ever steered you wrong? Outside of that, like, one time? I'm completely serious! There really is a group of rogue, wild toys roaming the city!
And, I mean, okay, calling them toys isn't entirely accurate. I'm reading that their official names are "props." Well, that's boring. But you know what's not boring? They're a group of mysterious creatures that can disguise themselves as everyday objects. Like your coffee cup, or your ugly tie! Anything! We still don't know what they want—blood, probably? I'm gonna say they're out for blood, that's much cooler and more urgent-sounding. Although there've been no recorded casualties yet, they have affected the lives of our innocent citizens...somehow. How would you feel if your shoe got up and started running at you? Not a fun image, is it?
In any case, Lancer Corps are mobilizing immediately, so get off your butts and go! The Lancer Association needs you at the following locations: Ghost Town in Yong; Akhet in Kemet; and a newly discovered area codenamed Suburbia. The first two areas have already received complaints from local residents, so who better to deal with a bunch of disturbing, living items than our very own Lancers? I'm gonna assume you have nothing better to do. And as for Suburbia... I'm not seeing any major reports, but I am pretty interested in that place too. What a name, right?
Ah, wait! I've got new info coming in hot. Maybe the toys really did draw blood!
...
I'm...sorry, I'm being told that this all happened a month ago. And a...new Lancer replaced me to help you all resolve the crisis. Well that can't be right. This report's a joke, right? April Fool's but for AI? I mean, there's no way! I just went offline for server maintenance, how could I have possibly missed an event like this?
Um. Okay, I'll laugh! Haha! Ha! You got me! You got me real good! But you guys wouldn't replace me, right? Cuz if you replaced me, I could get deleted! Haha! Super funny fun times! Ha...haaa...
I'm gonna go cry now.
From "Jocasta"—the AI who was absent due to emergency server maintenance.
